Pardon Our Dust

Life has taken us in many different directions... 

We promise to come back soon with more housewife goodies 

after we take some time off and make some changes.

If you would like to volunteer for a future post, give us a shout!

Crystal Liechty: A Mom's Crazy Journey Inspires A Comic Strip

When Crystal told our group of friends about a comic strip based off her "interesting" moments with what crazy things her kids say/do, I totally laughed at the sample one she showed us! If you have ever read any of her hilarious Facebook posts about the conversations they have, you would be to! Here she is to talk a little about the woes of motherhood, and how it helped her to find her way into the comic strip world. Take it away, Crystal!!

First off, thank you to the Really Real Housewives for letting me come visit this blog!

I’m here to talk about how I have fun despite the trials of being a mom. There’s two things you should know about me before I get started:

1. I’m a yellow personality. I thrive on fun and excitement. If I don’t have something to look forward to, I fall into a bit of a depression. So I chase “fun” like it’s my job and sometimes that means I do too much and go too hard.

2. My third child, Hazel, broke me. My two older ones were pretty easy babies (I realize now). They were cheerful and didn’t mind my nonstop, chase-every-moment lifestyle. They were also well-behaved enough that I could feel relatively secure in my mom skills. But then Hazel came along. Every opinion I had about myself as a mother; every plan I made; every hope and dream I held for the future – she shat on all of that. Firmly and intentionally, while maintaining eye-contact.

Once Hazel came along, I realized that I wasn’t in charge anymore and my previous priorities would have to be seriously rearranged.

No, I can’t show up at church with perfectly coifed children. You’re lucky they’re wearing pants right now.

No, I can’t go on an extended family camping trip. I have no plans to leave my house for the next five years.

No, I won’t join you in scoffing at that mom with the out-of-control toddler. My youngest just threatened to kill me with a pillow. I have no room to judge anyone.

I make light of it, but the reality was hard. By the time Hazel was two, I was in a dark place. Really, real dark. I had some hard thinking to do about who I was and what my limits were.

I made the choice to keep going, to keep trying, to keep failing, to keep trying again. My vision of being this awesome mother had been totally shattered. I mean, straight to pieces. But in the end, it was a good thing. Instead of momming like the magazines and the commercials, I started momming based on what I was actually capable of doing. Instead of looking outward and mimicking the moms that seemed to have it all together, I realized I couldn't -- literally couldn't -- keep up if all my goals for myself were based on what other people were doing and thinking. I had to get down on my rusty knees, beg for Heavenly help and accept that I would always be just a bit of a hot mess.

Once I did all that, something amazing happened. I started having fun again. What can you do but laugh when your four year old calls the doctor a “bastard” for giving her a shot? He said he would count to three but then did it on two. It was kind of a dick move.

And when your seven year old repeats a very embarrassing health problem you’re having to a table full of church friends, you can only shrug and say, “Don't worry, it's not contagious.”

And when your ten year old asks why his friend’s penis is so much bigger than his, you hunker down and have a conversation about anatomy. Because why not? I’ve been to the edge and back. I’ve got nothing left to fear.

I used to be so scared of the judgments and the humiliation of letting people see how flawed I was. But the absolute worst happened (someone called the cops on me because Hazel wouldn’t stop crying and they thought I was abusing her) and happened (AJ told me a horrific tale of playground bullying so I confronted the mother, all froth and anger, only to find out that about 80 percent of it had been exaggerated or outright made up and my daughter was actually the one bullying) and happened (after my first year of homeschooling, I took Griff in for a reading test and found out he was well below grade level). And I lived.

So I guess that’s my big secret: understand that being a mom is ugly business and any moms who act otherwise are probably faking it. Or they haven't been blessed with their own Hazel yet. Once you’re secure in this reality, you can enjoy the particular bit of madness you’ve been given.

And then you can turn it into a comic like I did! And I named it after my general plea to the world: Please Don't Call Child Services.

Crystal Liechty is the mastermind behind the Please Don’t Call Child Services webtoon, which details the always funny and often inappropriate hijinx involved in homeschooling three mischievous children. If you’ve been to college lately, you might have seen one of her essays in the Elements of Arguments textbook (Macmillan Press). When not homeschooling or torturing college students with argumentative essays, Crystal can be found watching Korean dramas, teaching herself Kpop dances or in general working as an unofficial ambassador for South Korean culture. Find out more about her online comic by visiting her official Facebook page or blog.

10 #Tips for a #HappyLife - Be Thankful

This is what I'm most thankful for...

We all have problems to deal with, no matter where we come from. Concentrating on the things we have to fix, we often forget and take for granted the parts of our lives that are working properly! If we could refocus away from the negative once in a while to be thankful--for what we have, for the positive things, for the things going right--the world would be a brighter place.

Negative nags at our attention. Negative needs us to figure out a solution. Negative needles us to complain and criticize. There's too much negative out there these days.

Stop! Don't let negative consume you. Take a break and think about what you're thankful for. Remember what's good about your life.

It won't make the problems go away, but they will be more manageable with a new, positive outlook.

10 Tips for a Happy Life:

1. Breathe
2. Smile
3. Be Thankful
4. ...

Thanks for listening! Hope you moms had a marvelous Mother's Day!

Tara Tyler - The Lazy Housewife

Water Splatter Art

When my kids were little, they loved doing crafts. That's almost hard to believe now that they are all teens and grown men. 

Believe it or not, there was a time when they got as excited over the craft caddie as they did over pizza boxes.  

One of their favorite summer time crafts was water color splatter art. 

It's a craft that's so easy and great for a rainy day. 

On regular printer paper, let them paint a picture with water color paint. 

Allow to dry, then crumble like you're going to throw it in the trash. Yep, just wad it up in a ball. They can even bat it around for a bit, though if they're like mine, that will mean broken furniture. 

Put the art in a folder and on the next rainy day (a warm one, but without thunder and lightning!) take the water colors out and allow the rain drops to splatter them. 

Lay out on a table covered with a towel (so they don't stick) and allow to dry. 

After they dry, they are softened and even the oddest paintings can become abstract works of art. 

Did you know that most colored pencils work like paint if you dip them in water? 

Sunday is Mother's Day, so...

Souper Easy

I love Italian wedding soup, you know the spinach-loaded soup with meatballs and tiny bits of pasta? Delicious. I especially love it when I can get it from an Italian restaurant, because to make it at home can be a lot of work. The meatballs alone can take an hour, not to mention chopping the onions and garlic for the broth.

But I have an easy cheat for a soup that is very much like Italian wedding soup. Maybe we could call this cheater version American Live-Together-Avoid-the-Hassle soup.

At the grocery store, grab the following:

Add the whole bag of spinach to a pot with enough water to cover all the leaves. Add a packet of the onion soup. Mix then cook on low on the stove top.

Bake the meatballs in the oven on a cookie sheet and set aside.

Once the spinach is softened, probably about an hour, add a half cup of the orzo. Boil for approximately 10 minutes or until it is softened.

Once the orzo is softened, add the cooked meatballs and serve.

So easy and delicious.

Pair that with Ashley's Boozy Beer Bread and you have a dinner your family will think you broke a sweat over, but only took minutes to prep.

10 #Tips for a #HappyLife - Smile

I was told that there are FOUR basic emotions - Anger, Sadness, Happiness, and Worry. Everything else is a combination of those in varying degrees (In Inside Out, they used Disgust and Fear, but hey, it's not an exact science - don't worry about it!)

Either way you slice it, HAPPINESS is OUTNUMBERED!

That's why it takes a lot of effort to get over a tough situation.
That's why feeling happy and positive is so awesome!
That's why we need to spread more of it around.

It's so easy to criticize and doubt and make fun of others - Twitter and social media have become trumpets of negativity. So much arguing. No compromise or giving others a chance or trying to see things from another perspective. Blech!

Remember when TVs were called "idiot boxes?" Well, it looks like phones and devices are taking their place, but they're worse. They possess people! People become obsessed with them. They can't live without the little buggers. The instant feedback is addictive. And many base their happiness on the number of "likes" or "followers" they have.

My hope is for people to realize we need to disconnect from our devices sometimes and have in person, human interactions. Put down the device and look around. Communicate face to face. Take a walk without your earbuds and listen to nature. Have a device-free meal and talk to your family.

This Device Free Dinner video made me smile =)

Share a real live smile, not just an emoji!
Smiles are healthy contagious!
Spread happiness with a smile!

Have a happy week!

The POISON We Create

About a week ago, a good friend and I were having a late night convo. She's one of those friends you take your problems to, vent them to the high heavens with no judgement on their part. THOSE kinds of friends are seriously the best! Anyways, there I was venting out my "to the high heavens", and she gave the best advice I could ever receive heard elsewhere.

It's like YOU'RE drinking the poison, but waiting for THEM to die.

And then, it all made sense. I literally was poisoning my life, my family, my world by dredging on things going on, knowing I couldn't control them, or better yet - people are going to do stupid things all the time.

So what to do? Well, like the quote says, if I'm going to drink the poison, then I'm only hurting myself internally by stewing about it. And stewing means your attitude changes, and THAT effects other facets of your life as well. BUT, if I don't drink the poison, then...I'm literally letting it go.

How hard is that? Well, very. I am human. And my personality is the type to remember those things. But, when phrased like I'm killing myself while they continue life like la-la-la...um, well, then the joke is on me. And that sucks.

I hope this reaches out to anyone stressing their life out with unnecessariness. It happens. It's real. We create it. We mold it. We embellish it. We sometimes even see things that aren't there. Stop. Think about it. Stop whatever it is you're doing to create the poison and getting you to drink it. It's not easy. But it's worth it!! Peace will come. Give it a few days. Heck, a few weeks. It's worth it!! And P.S. - so are you!

Suck out the poison...and keep...moving...forward!!

Pumping Iron

Visit Spice of Life for more smiles

Ironing. 
Love it. Hate it. Avoid it. 

What's to love? The history! 

Did you know the board we use today was invented by a freed African-American slave? Sarah Boone was a dressmaker in Connecticut. She did a lot of ironing and got fed up with boards that didn't quite fit, so she designed the board we all know and love today. I suppose until Sarah stepped up and made improvements, people were ironing on tables and floors like broke college students.

What's to hate? The work! 
But we can make that a little easier...

1. Line your board with foil to reflect the heat from the iron.
2. Keep a spray bottle of clear water handy. Set it to mist, not stream.
3. Iron easily scorched items by covering with a square of cotton, like a pillow case or cloth napkin.
4. Got a broken decal (you know, the raised kind like on jerseys)? Touch up the bad sections with waxed paper. Lay waxed side down and use the tip of the hot iron to go over the section.
5. Accidentally got goop on your iron that will leave black smears? Try toothpaste first. If that fails, use a fine grit sandpaper attached to a wooden block. Rub gently while iron is hot, wipe clean.

What to avoid? Any bit you can!

1. Hang or fold easily wrinkled clothes immediately from the dryer.
2. Allow clothes to run through the cool cycle on the dryer before tossing in a basket.
3. Never press clothes into the basket, like my husband. Three loads of clothes stuffed in one basket will always cause wrinkles.
4. Left a load of clothes in the basket too long and have a mess of wrinkles? Spritz clothes with clear water and toss back in the dryer.
5. Bringing out seasonal clothes from bags in storage? Soak a washcloth with water and a bit of liquid fabric softener and toss in dryer with clothes. It removes the wrinkles and comes out smelling fresh.

Rub Some Dirt In It!

Did you hear that scream just now? That's me when I accidentally bite my ice cream instead of carefully dropping it on my tongue in the back of my mouth. Some people have sensitive teeth. I have touchy little hypochondriac teeth that like to scream if a cool breeze enters my mouth.

Over the years, my dentist has given me a dozen recommendations and even a prescription toothpaste that tasted like a urinal cake smells. I've tried every OTC sensitive toothpaste sold in two states by this point. Some worked a little bit, some stained my teeth, and in the hunt I discovered that anything with stannous fluoride gives me Kylie Jenner lips and makes my tongue bleed. Ouch!

There's a phrase my husband loves to say when anyone gets a cut in our household: "Rub some dirt in it!" Followed by a manly grunt, of course. So after all of the many failures with conventional toothpaste, imagine my surprise when I find a conversation on a forum about sensitive teeth where people have had success with...

Dirt.

In their mouths.

My first thought - and pardon my Klingon - was heeeelllllllllll no. But then I found it discussed on a few other forums where people just like me with crazy-sensitive teeth were really experiencing great results with The Dirt Natural Toothpaste, so I did a little more digging about how it works.

From the website: "Did you know the glycerin in modern toothpaste can coat your teeth and prevent the natural process of re-mineralization that keeps your teeth strong and white? The Dirt is made to allow your natural re-mineralization process to do it's thang and get your teeth back to their strong, sparkly selves."

After about a week, I finally forgave them for the gratuitous use of "thang" and ordered it from the site.

The smallest jar claims to be a 3-month supply and it was as expensive as the prescription toothpaste I'd tried ($20). I generally get 2 months use out of a $6-8 tube of paste, and the penny-pinching side of me is still flinching a bit. So was it worth it? I've been using it now for about a week and here's what I've experienced so far:

• The first time you use it is W-E-I-R-D. The fine bentonite clay they use to aid in re-mineralization reminds you that yes, there is actual, honest-to-god dirt in your mouth right now. And when you spit, it's totes mud. But it isn't grainy or thick, thank goodness, so there isn't a texture to be grossed out over.
• The cinnamon and orange spice flavor is actually really pleasant. The chalky taste of the fine clay lingers a bit, though, so I still feel better if I use a diluted mouth wash after for additional freshness.
• My teeth start squeaking while I'm brushing and by the time I'm finished, they feel exactly like they do after the dentist polishes them. And I can't stop running my tongue over them.
• 4 days after I started using it, I drank a fountain soda full of ice without a straw... and didn't squeal when the ice hit my teeth. It was still totally uncomfortable, but that ice-pick in my tooth feeling didn't come like it usually does.
• A week later I'm able to breathe in through my mouth and the rush of air doesn't bother my teeth like it used to.

And no - I promise I'm not receiving anything for this post! I just know there are tons of us out there with cold-sensitive teeth, and I hope this review helps one of you. 

I haven't had any negative experiences/side effects or anything with this yet, but if something does happen I fully intend to come back and edit this post with my findings.

Have any of you had luck with natural toothpastes or other remedies for sensitive teeth?

10 #Tips for a #HappyLife - Breathe

As I send my first born off to college this Fall, I want to give him a few last pieces of advice, whether he takes it or not... I'll be sharing them with you all over the next ten months in my week here at the House. And I'll gladly take any comments or suggestions you'd like to add!

10 Tips for a Happy Life

10. Breathe. Go ahead and laugh. I did when I heard a friend say this the other day as advice she got from someone to help her with her stress at basketball games. Just saying it to each other helped us laugh some stress away at the horrible calls...

But breathing really is a great way to calm down. If more people took a deep breath before immediately reacting to bad news or someone disagreeing with them, there might be more peace in the world.

Controlled breathing is also a good way to help you get through something intense. Anticipation of a traumatic or important event--like public speaking which I am about to try, ah!--can elevate heart rate and cause anxiety. Taking a few calming breaths beforehand gives you control over your body's reaction and can steady your nerves enough to get you past that first step.

Lastly, steady breathing can help you fall asleep. If you are worried about something and it's causing you to stay awake at night, try concentrating on slow, steady breathing. In addition, imagine each muscle in your body relaxes, starting with your toes and work your way up. You'll feel the tension leave and probably won't reach your waist before you're fast asleep!

Wouldn't the world be a better place if people breathed more? Ha!

2017 FASHION: What's In and What's Out!

About a week ago, a friend posted on Facebook some major flashbacks I was having to the 90's with the whole small floral print dresses and shirts. I mean, come on, it's bad enough crushed velvet is back, but not the small floral print! I always DID wonder if it ever would.

So that had me wondering. What IS the new fashion right now and what ISN'T. Alas! A list of the top five IN and OUT for 2017. Let's first get rid of some crap, I mean...stuff.

1. Plain sneakers - well yeah, we aren't all going sailing today so...
2.Corset tops - sorry Kardashians...(not sorry)
3. Stretch skinny jeans - apparently a more vintage look is going to make waves
4. Lingerie inspired dresses - I mean...come on. Less is not always more.
5. 4-5" or more heels - apparently women now want comfort (imagine that!)



OK, now what exactly is IN!

1.Mule shoes - from low heels to high, strap/strapless (ok so this is the only '90s one reappearing, phew!)
2. Stripes - I'm so for this, but vertical. (horizontal = wide look)
3. Athletic inspired fashion - hate to say it but workout clothes are kinda in
4. Abstract prints - we all knew those yoga designs would eventually catch up to us
5. Fun sneakers - well yeah, I mean...hello? 


What do you think?? Agree / disagree? I'm all for the new change.

Eggcelence

Easy Easter eggs!
Easter egg time is coming! I am NOT crafty. Coloring eggs is about all I'm capable of doing, which stinks because mine are never really pretty. Last year, I decided to try decoupage-- which is just a fancy word for saying I decided to glue magazine pictures onto hard boiled eggs. I used regular white school glue and small pictures I cut out. Easy peasy and cute. And yes, they still peel fine.

How fresh are your eggs? 
I left two dozen eggs in my garage overnight. The temperature was in the mid-fifties, so whether or not my eggs were spoiled was questionable. I called my egg lady, Loretta-- who delivers me farm- fresh eggs weekly-- and asked her if she thought they were okay to eat. She told me to place the egg in a bowl of water, if it floated, toss them out. If they stood on end, hard boil them. If they lay flat, they're still fresh. Glad to say, mine were still fresh.

Peeling all those hard boiled eggs is easy!
Did you know older eggs are easier to peel? I get my eggs fresh from the farm and they are sometimes darn near impossible to peel. To make it easier, I always tap the wide side on the counter and crack it. Then I flip it over and tap the top of the egg. After that, I roll the egg on the counter to loosen the shell a little-- though be careful not to apply too much pressure and squish the egg. 

Want fluffier, yellower egg yolks?
Cool boiled eggs quickly when done cooking. I remove from the stove, pour off the hot water and replace with ice and cold water. The rapid cooling makes the egg yolk less dense. 

How about a few egg funnies? 
What's an egg's least favorite day? Fry-day
Who tells the best egg jokes? comedi-hens
How do chickens get out of the house? Through the eggs-it
How do chickens come into the house? Through the hen-trance
How do monsters like their eggs? Terri-fried
How many eggs does it take to screw in a light bulb? 0...eggs have no hands.

Loving the LipSense!

Hey everyone! I invited Robin Hall, a dear writer friend of mine, to join us and talk about a new business venture she took on. One you can even do yourself! Here she is talking about: LIPSENSE!!

Hello, the Really Real Housewives!!
 

After reading Tammy’s lipstick post in December, I asked if she’d be willing to add another brand to the mix, and she agreed! YAY! She tried out Sheer Berry, a great color to bring out green eyes. (even though Tammy has brown, it still looked great!) She asked me to briefly introduce myself and LipSense.

Tammy and I are writing friends. I’m a North Carolina girl, enjoying country living with my 3 acres, 5 kids, 1 husband, 1 dog, and 22 chickens (goats to come!) I teach yoga and strength training classes, love to bike (mountain and road) and rock climb.  Here I am with my cuties on Valentine’s Day.

I gave up lipstick years ago. My husband wouldn’t kiss me if I wore it, and I didn’t want to get it on my babies. So when I heard about this good-for-you lipstick that stayed where it belonged, and worked as hard as I do, I decided to give it a chance.

Not only did my color stay, but my lips became so much healthier. No more dry, chapped lips for me! I don’t even have to hide chapstick in my utensil drawer anymore! Plus, it’s great for Halloween:)

 Obviously I love it, but I’ll let Tammy tell you about her experience!!

I had a wonderful experience, Robin!! As everyone knows, I like the Color Stay by Maybelline, but I found LipSense to be equally amazing. I loved the OOPS wand idea! And, in the long run, you may feel like you are dishing out more money, but once you look at the ounces - you're not!! I hands down think LipSense is the bees-knees! Here is a photo of the color I chose which was a plum-like color.

You can find Robin's LipSense on facebook at:

 www.facebook.com/groups/Rokissandmakeup where you can also see her many colors and  products to purchase. Robin can even tell you how you can become a distributor if you so wish! SPECIAL DISCOUNT!! If you use the promo code: ReallyRealHousewives you get free shipping on your order!!  Aren't having amazing friends, awesome??

 

If you have tried LipSense, I would love to hear your opinion of this long wear lipstick. If you haven’t tried LipSense yet, I would love to hear about which color you would try first! Leave a comment below to let me know. 

Battling the Winter Blues

Are you ready for Spring?

We had a teaser of spring this week, got to 75 one day! My boys were happy to get outside. But cold weather is around the corner, so it's not quite time for shorts yet.

Well, here are a few ways to squelch the Winter Blues...

(from Real Simple and Article)

1. Seek the light!
2. Eat better
3. Get some exercise
4. Don't watch the news! i.e. - avoid negativity
5. Listen to some tunes
6. Talk to friends, old and new

This list may sound familiar because it's also a good way to live, no matter what time of year it is. I know I'd be happier if I ate better and exercised more, but it's just not as high a priority as it should be.

I also put together a list of some Positives Parts of Winter!

1. Sweaters & Boots
2. Cozy comfort - blankets, fires, hot cocoa, cuddling
3. No bugs!
4. No outdoor allergies!
5. No yard work
6. Snow - just not too much
7. Basketball season - fun sport to watch
8. Outdoor fun - skating, sledding, skiing, snowmen

Winter is not my favorite season, but it's not all bad. And soon Spring will be here with new, new, new... And that's why we have the change of seasons, so we don't have to deal with too much of one - unless you want to and move to Florida!

Ready for Spring? What do you like about winter? How do you beat the winter blues?

The Great Sugar Crash of '17

Feeling a little off this morning? Maybe a bit shaky, or
irritable, or unreasonably hungry? You might even have a bit of a headache, or think your heart is beating a little too fast. If you are, don't go to WebMD (it's really not a tumor) - it's probably just all the Valentines candy we broke our diets for yesterday. You - if you're like me - might be in the middle of a sugar crash. And considering all that delicious, wonderful, soul-saving chocolaty goodness is on sale today, it's probably going to get worse.

I don't usually eat a ton of sweets, so it was pretty easy for me to find the culprit when I started sweating after candy bar number [redacted]. What I didn't know, though, is that there are several ways to help mitigate the terror of a sugar hangover that go beyond simply drinking a few gallons of water.

I found some great advice from our friends over at Reader's Digest on how to recover from a sugar binge, and some of it was kind of surprising. The full article is here, but if you're jonesing for a quick fix, here's a summary:

1. Lay off further sugar infusions. A body needs to find balance again and can't do it if you keep going back for more.
2.  Eat a spoonful of peanut butter. You don't have to tell me twice...
3. Take the stairs, go for a quick walk - anything to move your body and burn that sugar energy.
4. Seek out diuretics like green tea with lemon to help flush your kidneys. But remember to keep drinking water at the same time!
5. Plan your next meals to be low-sugar while your body heals itself.

Personally - I'm all about the peanut butter fix. As far as I'm concerned, the ONLY way to eat peanut butter is with a spoon. And keep in mind - this is absolutely not medical advice and you should consult your doctor if you have or think you might have diabetes and experience the symptoms I mentioned above. This is just for those of us - like me - without insulin-related issues who tend to overdo it with the chocolate on holidays :-)

So now it's confession time - hands up if you splurged yesterday! *puts both hands up*

Get Ready to Feel the Love

It’s February. The month of Love …

Which is totally awesome if you’re married or dating a romantic.

But what if you’re single? Or married to a guy who thinks jumper cables make a great gift-- totally true story...

Then you do what the Really Real Housewives do! You bend the rules...you improvise...you twist that holiday to suit yourself.

How about this Valentine's Day you get prepared to turn February 14^th into a holiday where you show the love to one of the most important people in your life-

YOU!!

How about an in-home spa day?

Can’t afford all the scrubs and creams? Make your own!

Apple-Cinnamon Body Scrub

2 Tbs. brown sugar

2 Tbs. white sugar

1 Tbs. applesauce

1 Tsp. cinnamon

Need a great hair rinse to wash away product build up and increase shine?  

Beer!

Soak hair in beer, leave on for five minutes and rinse.
(You only need one can, but feel free to grab a six-pack if you’re feeling thirsty.)

Olive Oil Moisturizer

½ cup olive oil

½ cup sugar

Rub on and rinse with warm water.

 If you want to go full-blown anti-Valentine, feel free to celebrate SAD

Pick up a copy of My Bloody Valentine- the 2009 version with this hottie:

Photo credit IMDb

I'm not sure if the movie is any good, but 201 minutes with Jensen Ackles is never a waste of time. You can rent the movie from Amazon for 3.99, but sadly it's only available from Netflix on DVD. 

Getting Old Ain't So Bad - If You're Sassy!

Hi-ya. Me again. Back for my final fling as this week's guest blogger. And today... anything goes! Woo-HOO! So what are we gonna talk about? Something you've all heard about before, I'm sure... those dreaded midlife crises. You know, that time of life when we allegedly go temporarily nuts, and do all sorts of wild and crazy things because we suddenly notice we're (gasp!) getting old.  Driven by desperation, we supposedly do anything and everything we can to prove we're still young... even if it's nothing but a silly delusion.

HOGWASH!!! I don't think that midlife crisis nonsense amounts to a hill of beans. Granted, my hubby and I sped past the mid-points of our lives a long time ago, but we still haven't experienced any great angst about getting old, or behaved any nuttier than we ever have. Know why? Because, believe it or not, this is actually a great time of life. Exhilarating, even. We truly ARE the captains of our own ships now. If we want to do something, we do it.

Well into the post-retirement years, our time is our own, and what we do with it is up to us. If an old guy wants to buy a convertible sports car, why shouldn't he? That doesn't have a thing to do with being in crisis. Doggone it, he worked hard all of his life, raised his family, and now, he can finally afford to treat himself to some of the things he's always wanted. We seniors can indulge ourselves by fulfilling some of our delayed wants, the things we put off all of those years when raising our families, and our careers often took top priority. If an old gal wants to dye her hair purple, why the heck not? Maybe it's her favorite color. If an old guy leaves his longtime wife to run off with a twenty-something bimbo, that doesn't mean he's having a mid-life crisis, either. All that means is he's an ass, and probably always has been.

There's actually a lot of good things to say about getting older. Like we generally have the confidence to stand for more convictions, and the moxie to fall for less malarkey. We may still be competitive, but we also realize being kind is much more important than being right. We've learned it isn't very smart to test the depth of the water with both feet, and we understand that the true art of conversation isn't just about saying the right thing. Sometimes, it means keeping our mouths shut when it's oh-so-tempting to deliver a verbal shot.

You may have heard this quote before. It's been sent to me many times, but without attribution, so I don't know who initiated it, but it's worth sharing:

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, "WOW! What a ride!"

That's our plan. To enjoy the ride as long as it lasts, and to carpe the hell out of each diem. Don't make a big deal out of getting old; just enjoy it. My body parts may be getting old, I may take more pills every day than I ever imagined possible, and the pain under my boob may turn out to be a bum knee, but I'm determined to stay young at heart and in attitude. Is that being sassy? Could be, but I refuse to let aging get me down. (For one thing, it's too damned hard to get back up again!)

Be assured, ladies, that no matter how old you are, you can still have the body of a 21-year old, if that's what you want. But (Bada-boom!) you may have to buy him a few drinks first... In closing, I'm gonna make a blatant plug for a book called Old Broads Waxing Poetic, a compilation of poetry from some very talented ladies. (And me.) Best thing about it? All proceeds go to CARE International, a fantastic organization, so none of us ever see a penny of it. If you're interested, you can find it on Amazon.

Isn't that cover awesome? The image Forever Young is courtesy of a very generous Italian artist named Francesco Romoli, who immediately agreed to let me use it... for free... when I contacted him. In closing, I'd like to share one of my poems from that book with you. It's called Ode to Old Age.

I found a hair there under my chin,
And I yanked that sucker out,
But wouldn't you know, the very next day,
Two more began to sprout.

I don't know what's happening;
It's a perplexing change of pace,
My arms and legs are going bald,
But I have to shave my face.

It's such a rotten travesty;
My tummy once was flat.
But now my hourglass is mostly ass,
And my waist has turned to fat.

My body's slowly sagging,
And I don't look so hot;
If a man wants to ogle my bosom now,
I'm afraid he'll have to squat.

But that's okay, 'cause I'm still here,
Of life I'm still a part.
So what if when I bend or stretch,
I leak a little fart?

I've lots of life and love in store,
Though I'm not young and shiny;
If ya wanta know the truth,
Old age can kiss my heinie.

Well, that's it, folks. It's been a pleasure. Thanks to the lovely Tammy for inviting me over to do a few guest posts. Remember: A good attitude is contagious, but for Heaven's sake, don't wait to catch it from someone. Be a carrier. Best wishes from Susan, longtime housewife, and visiting SOB (Sassy Old Broad)

We had so much fun with this Fun, Sassy lady! Susan, thanks for teaching us to take life less seriously and enjoy it as much as we can!

Susan with her hubby's 1930 Model A rat rod. (Lucky for her, he apparently likes old things.) If you're a glutton for punishment, and want more of Susan's SOB sense of humor, you're cordially invited to visit her blog I Think; Therefore, I Yam where she blogs most Fridays.