Getting Old Ain't So Bad - If You're Sassy!

Hi-ya. Me again. Back for my final fling as this week's guest blogger. And today... anything goes! Woo-HOO! So what are we gonna talk about? Something you've all heard about before, I'm sure... those dreaded midlife crises. You know, that time of life when we allegedly go temporarily nuts, and do all sorts of wild and crazy things because we suddenly notice we're (gasp!) getting old.  Driven by desperation, we supposedly do anything and everything we can to prove we're still young... even if it's nothing but a silly delusion.

HOGWASH!!! I don't think that midlife crisis nonsense amounts to a hill of beans. Granted, my hubby and I sped past the mid-points of our lives a long time ago, but we still haven't experienced any great angst about getting old, or behaved any nuttier than we ever have. Know why? Because, believe it or not, this is actually a great time of life. Exhilarating, even. We truly ARE the captains of our own ships now. If we want to do something, we do it.

Well into the post-retirement years, our time is our own, and what we do with it is up to us. If an old guy wants to buy a convertible sports car, why shouldn't he? That doesn't have a thing to do with being in crisis. Doggone it, he worked hard all of his life, raised his family, and now, he can finally afford to treat himself to some of the things he's always wanted. We seniors can indulge ourselves by fulfilling some of our delayed wants, the things we put off all of those years when raising our families, and our careers often took top priority. If an old gal wants to dye her hair purple, why the heck not? Maybe it's her favorite color. If an old guy leaves his longtime wife to run off with a twenty-something bimbo, that doesn't mean he's having a mid-life crisis, either. All that means is he's an ass, and probably always has been.

There's actually a lot of good things to say about getting older. Like we generally have the confidence to stand for more convictions, and the moxie to fall for less malarkey. We may still be competitive, but we also realize being kind is much more important than being right. We've learned it isn't very smart to test the depth of the water with both feet, and we understand that the true art of conversation isn't just about saying the right thing. Sometimes, it means keeping our mouths shut when it's oh-so-tempting to deliver a verbal shot.

You may have heard this quote before. It's been sent to me many times, but without attribution, so I don't know who initiated it, but it's worth sharing:

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, "WOW! What a ride!"

That's our plan. To enjoy the ride as long as it lasts, and to carpe the hell out of each diem. Don't make a big deal out of getting old; just enjoy it. My body parts may be getting old, I may take more pills every day than I ever imagined possible, and the pain under my boob may turn out to be a bum knee, but I'm determined to stay young at heart and in attitude. Is that being sassy? Could be, but I refuse to let aging get me down. (For one thing, it's too damned hard to get back up again!)

Be assured, ladies, that no matter how old you are, you can still have the body of a 21-year old, if that's what you want. But (Bada-boom!) you may have to buy him a few drinks first... In closing, I'm gonna make a blatant plug for a book called Old Broads Waxing Poetic, a compilation of poetry from some very talented ladies. (And me.) Best thing about it? All proceeds go to CARE International, a fantastic organization, so none of us ever see a penny of it. If you're interested, you can find it on Amazon.

Isn't that cover awesome? The image Forever Young is courtesy of a very generous Italian artist named Francesco Romoli, who immediately agreed to let me use it... for free... when I contacted him. In closing, I'd like to share one of my poems from that book with you. It's called Ode to Old Age.

I found a hair there under my chin,
And I yanked that sucker out,
But wouldn't you know, the very next day,
Two more began to sprout.

I don't know what's happening;
It's a perplexing change of pace,
My arms and legs are going bald,
But I have to shave my face.

It's such a rotten travesty;
My tummy once was flat.
But now my hourglass is mostly ass,
And my waist has turned to fat.

My body's slowly sagging,
And I don't look so hot;
If a man wants to ogle my bosom now,
I'm afraid he'll have to squat.

But that's okay, 'cause I'm still here,
Of life I'm still a part.
So what if when I bend or stretch,
I leak a little fart?

I've lots of life and love in store,
Though I'm not young and shiny;
If ya wanta know the truth,
Old age can kiss my heinie.

Well, that's it, folks. It's been a pleasure. Thanks to the lovely Tammy for inviting me over to do a few guest posts. Remember: A good attitude is contagious, but for Heaven's sake, don't wait to catch it from someone. Be a carrier. Best wishes from Susan, longtime housewife, and visiting SOB (Sassy Old Broad)

We had so much fun with this Fun, Sassy lady! Susan, thanks for teaching us to take life less seriously and enjoy it as much as we can!

Susan with her hubby's 1930 Model A rat rod. (Lucky for her, he apparently likes old things.) If you're a glutton for punishment, and want more of Susan's SOB sense of humor, you're cordially invited to visit her blog I Think; Therefore, I Yam where she blogs most Fridays.

Handy Dandy Sassy Tips

I know you're going to enjoy this week's guest, the super sassy Susan Swiderski!

It's a real honor to be here with y'all today, but before I share some appropriate (and okay... some inappropriate) handy-dandy tips with you, I feel it is my civic duty to issue a warning. One of the ladies who runs this blog is... now how shall I put this delicately?... a tad underhanded. (gasp!) I know. Shocking, isn't it? When inviting me to serve a stint as guest blogger here, Tammy called me... sassy. Yeah, sassy. Not saggy... sassy. How in the world could an old broad like me possibly say no when she threw a word like that at me, I ask you? It's been quite a few years since anyone associated that word with me, so I'm just gonna wrap it around me, and savor the feeling. Yep, that's me... classy, sassy, and a bit smart assy. Okay, not entirely true. But I am a bona fide smart ass, so you'd be wise to take what I'm about to tell you with a handful of salt.

Okay, ready for some nifty neat-o some-of-'em-even-work time-saving and money-saving tips?

• Most of the things you waste time worrying about never happen, so cut it out! Worrying causes stress, gives you wrinkles, and wastes valuable time you could be using to do something much more worthwhile, like eating ice cream or sucking face with your fella. Besides, worrying never changes a darned thing. Never.
• Clean up messes as they happen. I know it's tempting to ignore that mini-mountain of cereal you just knocked onto the kitchen floor, but don't. An even better alternative? Have at least one dog and one cat in your home. Believe you me, pets make an unbeatable clean-up team. Plus, cats with a propensity to arf provide you with the perfect incentive to clean your floors and carpets... one small area at a time.
• To cut down on mildew, wipe down your shower walls and tiles after each shower. If you have a shower curtain, give it a couple good whacks to knock off excess water, and then leave the curtain closed to allow it to dry more quickly. Better yet? Join a gym. Then you can take all of your showers there, and let somebody else worry about mildew. As an added bonus, you can even spend a minute or two exercising while you're there. Might as well. Or you could do it my way... I do lots of diddly squats around the house every day. 
• If you insist on wasting money and water by continuing to take your showers at home, rather than join a gym as I suggested, you may eventually notice the shower head isn't quite as squeaky clean as it used to be. I suppose you could go all Martha Stewart and scrub it with a toothbrush or something, but how about this? Secure a plastic baggy of vinegar over the head overnight, and ta-DA! Just like magic, all of the residue disappears. (Even though you want to be frugal and all that, I wouldn't recommend re-using that vinegar in your next salad... it's a tad on the soapy side.)
• When lemons and/or limes are on sale, buy extra. Squeeze the juice out of some of them and freeze it in ice cube trays. Once it's completely frozen, you can store the cubes in a plastic bag. One cube equals about a tablespoon of juice. 
• Some recipes call for buttermilk. I don't know about you, but we don't drink that stuff, so it'd be a waste of time and money to run to the store to buy it for a particular recipe, when I know the rest of it would just end up down the drain. No problem. I don't have to go to the store, and neither do you. Just add a tablespoon of vinegar per cup of good ol' normal milk. It's a perfect substitute.
• Planning a dinner party, but hate the idea of wasting money on fancy after-dinner mints? So don't! Freeze a colorful tube of toothpaste, and then cut the tube open, and slice the paste into wafer-thin treats. Instant fresh breath!  PLUS, everyone saves time by skipping the usual after-dinner tooth-brushing routine. Win-win!
• If you're in a hurry, or have somewhere you absolutely have to be, never ever make eye contact with your spouse while eating a banana. 
• Need to drop some pounds in a hurry? Eat raw pork or rancid tuna. You can lose up to twelve pounds in only two days, without having to fork over one red cent on any of those dangerous diet pills. 
• To save money on toilet paper, borrow it from work. Not whole, unopened rolls, mind you. Just rolls that have already been started. No one will ever notice. And, um, I'm using the word borrow facetiously. No need to return it. When you get down to the empty cardboard roll, you can put that to use, too. If you cut it lengthwise, you can put it around a roll of opened wrapping paper like a cuff. Keeps the rolls looking much neater. If you care about such things. If you don't, just throw it away. No skin off my nose.
• Wanta save big money on your electric bill? Turn off the lights. Yep, all of them. If everybody wears a miner's hat, there's absolutely no need to turn on a lamp.
• While we're saving money, here's another handy tip. Don't waste any money on one of those little address books for friends' addresses and phone numbers, either. Don't you get free phone directories? There ya go!  Just cross out the names of people you don't know. 
• Here's a reeeeeeally big money-saver. When you go out with friends, leave your wallet at home. You can save yourself a bundle! However, you may eventually have to find new friends. 
• And finally: be nice. Really. Going out of your way to be nice, especially to your spouse, will save a lot of time that might otherwise be wasted in argument. Most of the time, being kind is much more important than being right. (If all else fails, reach for a banana. Make eye contact at your own peril.)

Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.

Best wishes from Susan, long-time housewife, and visiting SOB

(Sassy Old Broad)

Susan and her husband transferred from Maryland to Georgia in 1971, and have lived in the same so-called starter home ever since. (Too lazy to pack up all their stuff!) She was a stay-at-home mom, and after the kids all flew the coop, she was perfectly happy to continue being a kept woman full-time homemaker, as well as a perpetual you-name-it-and-she'll-do-it volunteer. Since her hubby Smarticus retired fifteen years ago, they've been enjoying plenty of spur-of-the-moment adventures. (With the right attitude, everything is an adventure!) She has written one novel, Hot Flashes and Cold Lemonade, and helped put together a poetry book for charity called Old Broads Waxing Poetic. She blogs most Fridays at I Think: Therefore, I Yam

Happy - Argh - Pirate - Argh - Monday - Argh!

The Really Real Housewives are proud to present DONNA K WEAVER as our guest this week! And starting on her birthday, no less!

Today is my birthday! I’m too old to take pleasure anymore in the increasing numbers, but I do have a couple of things I like to celebrate.

First

It’s Hermione Granger’s birthday too (if she’d really been born).  *shouts*

Happy Birthday, Hermione!

   

Second

It’s International Talk like a Pirate Day. 

This is a day of awesomeness. Did you know:

• If you live near a Krispy Kreme, you can get a free donut by talking like a pirate today and a DOZEN donuts by dressing up like one when you come.
• Facebook has a language option of Pirate (It’s actually called English, Pirate), so all your headings are in pirate. (Click here for instructions)

Here's what my header looks like in Pirate.

• Google also has a search page just for Pirate talk. Click here.
• There are language translators to help you if your pirate speech doesn’t flow easily. Here are a couple to try:

SpeakPirate

Syddware

To conclude, enjoy this humorous “how to video” on celebrating the day.

Donna K. Weaver is an award-winning author, wife, mother, grandmother, Harry Potter geek, Army veteran, karate black belt, and online gamer.

Blog | Amazon Author Page | Facebook | Twitter 

 Pinterest | YouTube | Google+

Roanoke or Bust!

Happy Friday, friends of mine!

Today I’m writing to you from the past because at the moment this posts I’m going to be en route to Roanoke, Virginia for an appearance at the MystiCon Fantasy and Horror Convention. And I’m super, super pumped about it. I’m going to be an author guest and breathe the same air as George R. R. Martin!! (the author of the A Song of Ice and Fire series best known as Game of Thrones) I’ll be a little excitable all day to say the least.

As most of you probably know, I’m a fantasy novelist and I do my best to attend as many fantasy/science fiction conventions as my schedule allows. Over the years I’ve accumulated a rather, um... unique list of items that I can’t go without at a con and I thought I’d share some of the special ones with you here. No judging!

#1: Extra deodorant. Oh yes, this one deserves to be at #1. Cons can be hot and crowded, and you’ll want to have a travel-size deo in your purse at all times, lest you join the smelly masses.

via GIPHY

#2: An assortment of hats. I can’t feel authory without a proper author hat. So while some of you might be packing bags of shoes for trips, I have a bag of fedoras, caps, and bowlers.

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#3: Cat-ear tiara. Duh! Because TIARA + CAT = AWESOME. But if you want to see the real thing, it's part of my Twitter profile pic :-)

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#4: Bubble Wands. Those little bubble wands that you usually get as party favors are PERFECT attractors to your book signing table. Crowd a little thin? Pucker up and blow some bubbles because even grown-ups get like this over bubbles.

 
via GIPHY

#5: My purple hair extensions. Because if I can't have purple hair at a fantasy convention, what's the point of having hair at all?



via GIPHY

So now it's your turn! What's the craziest thing you've ever packed for a trip?

How to have a happy marriage - the RETRO Way!

And for Free-for-all Friday, SK takes us back, way, way back to the good old days...


As a wife, I've naturally looked up to those who've had long successful happy marriages. Don't get me wrong. My sweetheart is a wonderful man . . . when, umm,  he's not acting up having a rough day, but just the same, it never hurts to seek expert advice . . . 

So I thought, where better to look than to those given in the past? Like, wayyyy in the past. And I'm honestly not sure what that did for me . . . except laugh my butt off. Because, personally? Well, my thoughts on these are simply: NO!  o_O And if you wanna laugh with me, read on!

Here are some RETRO advice on How to Have a Happy Marriage:

(From 1950's “The Good Wife’s Guide”)

***DON'T TALK***

1- Be a good listener. Let him tell you his troubles; yours will seem trivial in comparison. Don’t bother your husband with petty troubles and complaints when he comes home from work.

2- Remember your most important job is to build up and maintain his ego (which gets bruised plenty in business). Morale is a woman’s business.

3- Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

4- Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first—remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

5- Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

6- Don't be a bad cook! Bad cooking has been responsible for driving the husband to the saloon, and to other places. And when she does cook, she should cook, and not be, as somebody said, a mere can opener.

7- Don't be sentimental! 

AND IF THINGS COULDN'T GET "FUNNIER" . . .

What if your man strays after marriage?

8- In case of an occasional lapse on the part of the husband—there a bit of advice may prove acceptable. And my advice would be: forgive and forget. Or still better—make believe that you know nothing. An occasional lapse from the straight path does not mean that he has ceased to love you. He may love you as much; he may love you a good deal more.

This one speaks to my soul so much better than the advice up there:

So there you have it!

Don't forget that a good wife always knows her place . . . 

*snort*

* * * 

To my dear hosts:

Thanks so much for having me over at The Really Real Housewives of America!

I had fun! Let's do it again sometime ;)

xoxox,

S. Katherine Anthony

S. K. Anthony is a writer, a reader and a make-stuff-up-er who lives in New York with her husband and toddler twins. She is a wine connoisseur, which just really means she knows she loves it, and a caffeine addict. When she isn’t busy with her family, she finds herself being transported into the world of imagination. Well, either that or running away from spiders . . . she is convinced they are out to get her!



We really enjoyed having SK guest post for us! We laughed, we cried, we learned! Now go have a good weekend, you guys!

I hate making dinner

There, I said it. Does anyone else relate? I always feel bad about not enjoying to cook. My mom likes to cook, my sister likes to cook, lots of my friends like to cook, and apparently lots of people on Facebook either like to cook or just like watching someone else cook... Well, I appreciate all these people - and I love to eat good cooking! I just don't like to do it myself.

I'm going to be that grandma from Sixteen Candles, W/O the cigarette!

Here are my
Top Ten Reasons for Detesting Dealing with Dinner...

1. The daily question, "What's for dinner?" with answer followed by a groan.
2. The prep work - chopping, shredding, slicing, peeling, etc
3. The recipe times for prep work are usually underestimated
4. The splatter! I have an apron, but when I forget it, I inevitably stain one of my favorite shirts.
5. The smell - great during, but it sticks with you for hours after and isn't as appetizing...
6. Time to make = 30-40 min, Time to eat = 5-10 min, Time to clean up = 30-40 min
7. At least one person has a complaint or suggestion on how to do it better
8. The other annoying question, "Why can't we eat out?"
9. No help, unless threatened at gun point to take away video game time
10. Sometimes it's just not worth it.

Does anyone relate? It can be tough, but we still have to do it. So, being a problem-solver, here are some 

Ways to Take the Agony out of Dinner:

• Turn on some tunes or put on a show
• Pre-cooked and pre-chopped ingredients
• Easier substitutions
• Add-ins for personalization and picky palettes
• It's healthier with fresh fruits and veggies we don't usually get eating out.
• As the kids get older, they actually do appreciate more, try more foods, and help more.
• Mostly, it reminds me of my mom and all the wonderful things she did for my sis and me growing up. She's the best!

Happy Mother's Day! (I know it's not May yet, but we deserve more than ONE DAY a YEAR!)

If I only had a bigger cup...

HAPPY FRIDAY, Y'ALL! I figure since I'm already late getting this post out to you guys today you at least deserve my biggest possible Alabama welcome.  BTW - "y'all" is pronounced with at least 3 syllables or you're just not doing it right.

I do apologize for being late, but I'm going to blame the fact that I decided to "save time" and skip coffee this morning. I ended up behind schedule and yawning on everything I did all because my caffeine tank was about a quart low.

So in honor of the one thing that could have gotten me in back in high gear this morning, I've written you guys a little poem. Enjoy your weekends and don't do anything I wouldn't do!

Coffee, coffee, how I love thee,
Let me count the ways.

You start my mornings ever brightly
Despite the dismal days.

You give me strength to speak and smile
When I’d rather run away.

You turn monsters into people
In a cup or three a day

You fend off Armageddon
And keep it safe at bay.

But I thank you most of all
For the near impossible way

You help me cope with the masses
Whom otherwise I might flay.

Identify the Body Part game

Aloha,

Thanks again to Liz, Tara and Ashley for having me here this week! I’m not used to guest posting on a Really Real Housewives blog, so I’ve been a little outside my comfort zone, but I’ve enjoyed myself, and speaking of fun, here’s a quick story for this Free-for-all Friday.

I was recently hanging with my youngest boy, (he just turned 4 last week) and he was busy playing the “identify the body part” game as we relaxed on a chair. (He’d touch my ears or eyes, say the name and move on to the next item…)

All was well until he rubbed my “Dad bod” belly. He turned to look up at me and I could see he was a bit worried.
“What’s up, buddy?”
“Papa?” (Belly rubbing continues...)
“Yes, son?”
“Papa, are you going to have your baby soon?”

And, to make matters even funnier, he stares at me for a second and then adds, “Papa, why do you have so many hairs up in your nose?”
Out of the mouths of babes….
Sigh.

Mark Koopmans was born and raised in Dublin, Ireland. In 1989, he spent the next several years working in Holland, Spain, France and England. In 1994, he won his U.S. "Green Card," and is an American by choice since 2003. Koopmans began his writing career that same year with a feature for a regional magazine in California. Since then, he's worked as a staff writer for newspapers in Florida and Texas. Koopmans is also a proficient blogger and is working on his next book. He lives in Virginia, and is "Papa" to three active boys under the age of nine. He writes at night.



A BIG ROUND of THANKS to Mark for starting our year off right! With great tips and laughter!

Guess who?

For Free for All Friday, I thought I'd give you a laugh with all my own homemade costumes. I never cheesed out in my twenties by dressing up as the sexy cat or sexy maid - I don't recall ever being sexy. I'm a cornball through and through! Enjoy!

from college - yes, I used a sheet and tin foil

crashed party with our mystery masks - that's my hair!

Calvin & Hobbes - wish I still had the Hobbes I made...

the blue MnM the year it came out!

a tourist handing out candy =)

Ah memories - what costumes have you made? share them on Facebook and tell me where to look!!