Monday, January 30, 2017

Handy Dandy Sassy Tips

I know you're going to enjoy this week's guest, the super sassy Susan Swiderski!

It's a real honor to be here with y'all today, but before I share some appropriate (and okay... some inappropriate) handy-dandy tips with you, I feel it is my civic duty to issue a warning. One of the ladies who runs this blog is... now how shall I put this delicately?... a tad underhanded. (gasp!) I know. Shocking, isn't it? When inviting me to serve a stint as guest blogger here, Tammy called me... sassy. Yeah, sassy. Not saggy... sassy. How in the world could an old broad like me possibly say no when she threw a word like that at me, I ask you? It's been quite a few years since anyone associated that word with me, so I'm just gonna wrap it around me, and savor the feeling. Yep, that's me... classy, sassy, and a bit smart assy. Okay, not entirely true. But I am a bona fide smart ass, so you'd be wise to take what I'm about to tell you with a handful of salt.
Okay, ready for some nifty neat-o some-of-'em-even-work time-saving and money-saving tips?
  • Most of the things you waste time worrying about never happen, so cut it out! Worrying causes stress, gives you wrinkles, and wastes valuable time you could be using to do something much more worthwhile, like eating ice cream or sucking face with your fella. Besides, worrying never changes a darned thing. Never.
  • Clean up messes as they happen. I know it's tempting to ignore that mini-mountain of cereal you just knocked onto the kitchen floor, but don't. An even better alternative? Have at least one dog and one cat in your home. Believe you me, pets make an unbeatable clean-up team. Plus, cats with a propensity to arf provide you with the perfect incentive to clean your floors and carpets... one small area at a time.
  • To cut down on mildew, wipe down your shower walls and tiles after each shower. If you have a shower curtain, give it a couple good whacks to knock off excess water, and then leave the curtain closed to allow it to dry more quickly. Better yet? Join a gym. Then you can take all of your showers there, and let somebody else worry about mildew. As an added bonus, you can even spend a minute or two exercising while you're there. Might as well. Or you could do it my way... I do lots of diddly squats around the house every day. 
  • If you insist on wasting money and water by continuing to take your showers at home, rather than join a gym as I suggested, you may eventually notice the shower head isn't quite as squeaky clean as it used to be. I suppose you could go all Martha Stewart and scrub it with a toothbrush or something, but how about this? Secure a plastic baggy of vinegar over the head overnight, and ta-DA! Just like magic, all of the residue disappears. (Even though you want to be frugal and all that, I wouldn't recommend re-using that vinegar in your next salad... it's a tad on the soapy side.)
  • When lemons and/or limes are on sale, buy extra. Squeeze the juice out of some of them and freeze it in ice cube trays. Once it's completely frozen, you can store the cubes in a plastic bag. One cube equals about a tablespoon of juice. 
  • Some recipes call for buttermilk. I don't know about you, but we don't drink that stuff, so it'd be a waste of time and money to run to the store to buy it for a particular recipe, when I know the rest of it would just end up down the drain. No problem. I don't have to go to the store, and neither do you. Just add a tablespoon of vinegar per cup of good ol' normal milk. It's a perfect substitute.
  • Planning a dinner party, but hate the idea of wasting money on fancy after-dinner mints? So don't! Freeze a colorful tube of toothpaste, and then cut the tube open, and slice the paste into wafer-thin treats. Instant fresh breath!  PLUS, everyone saves time by skipping the usual after-dinner tooth-brushing routine. Win-win!
  • If you're in a hurry, or have somewhere you absolutely have to be, never ever make eye contact with your spouse while eating a banana. 
  • Need to drop some pounds in a hurry? Eat raw pork or rancid tuna. You can lose up to twelve pounds in only two days, without having to fork over one red cent on any of those dangerous diet pills. 
  • To save money on toilet paper, borrow it from work. Not whole, unopened rolls, mind you. Just rolls that have already been started. No one will ever notice. And, um, I'm using the word borrow facetiously. No need to return it. When you get down to the empty cardboard roll, you can put that to use, too. If you cut it lengthwise, you can put it around a roll of opened wrapping paper like a cuff. Keeps the rolls looking much neater. If you care about such things. If you don't, just throw it away. No skin off my nose.
  • Wanta save big money on your electric bill? Turn off the lights. Yep, all of them. If everybody wears a miner's hat, there's absolutely no need to turn on a lamp.
  • While we're saving money, here's another handy tip. Don't waste any money on one of those little address books for friends' addresses and phone numbers, either. Don't you get free phone directories? There ya go!  Just cross out the names of people you don't know. 
  • Here's a reeeeeeally big money-saver. When you go out with friends, leave your wallet at home. You can save yourself a bundle! However, you may eventually have to find new friends. 
  • And finally: be nice. Really. Going out of your way to be nice, especially to your spouse, will save a lot of time that might otherwise be wasted in argument. Most of the time, being kind is much more important than being right. (If all else fails, reach for a banana. Make eye contact at your own peril.)
Until next time, take care of yourselves. And each other.
Best wishes from Susan, long-time housewife, and visiting SOB
(Sassy Old Broad)

Susan and her husband transferred from Maryland to Georgia in 1971, and have lived in the same so-called starter home ever since. (Too lazy to pack up all their stuff!) She was a stay-at-home mom, and after the kids all flew the coop, she was perfectly happy to continue being a kept woman full-time homemaker, as well as a perpetual you-name-it-and-she'll-do-it volunteer. Since her hubby Smarticus retired fifteen years ago, they've been enjoying plenty of spur-of-the-moment adventures. (With the right attitude, everything is an adventure!) She has written one novel, Hot Flashes and Cold Lemonade, and helped put together a poetry book for charity called Old Broads Waxing Poetic. She blogs most Fridays at I Think: Therefore, I Yam

40 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Glad ya liked it. (Aim toothpaste is red white and blue... and it's CHEAP!)

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  2. haha pets sure do clean up the mess. I know one guy that used to "borrow" tp from work. Blah to public showers though, I'll stick to wasting water at home with just my germs.

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    1. Pets are great cleaners... yet another reason to own them. (Then again, they can MAKE really huge messes, too...) Uh-huh. So your germs don't work and play well with others huh? HA

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  4. Hi Susan - I need a spouse for the banana one ... or perhaps I don't - but don't want to be lynched either. Toothpaste roll ... I wonder if that's ever been tried ... fun tips for life with the Swiderski's ... cheers Hilary

    Sassy definitely .. no sags for us gals ... ?!

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    Replies
    1. Geez, I HOPE no one has ever given their guests "toothpaste mints." :) I'll stick with chocolate.

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  5. Of course you don't have to give your guests after dinner anything, you've just fed 'em for goodness sake.

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  6. Wow!

    I'll remember to leave my wallet at home when I go out with friends...

    Very nice!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks. They'd better be friends with a good sense of humor... :)

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  7. Ha! You made me laugh out loud. Especially with that banana comment. :)

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  8. Like a psychotic stalker, I'd follow you anywhere, so I followed you here. I'm glad I did. The toothpaste and Banana tips are hilarious. Wonderfully funny as always.

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    1. HA! Well, I'm glad you did, too, dear lady. Again... when are YOU gonna start blogging again? (I'll be one of your groupies...)

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  9. Hello, Sassy Susan! I might try the vinegar over the shower head trick, but no way am I freezing toothpaste and handing it out as mints. That's a hilarious thought, though. Is it okay if I eat a banana when Willy Dunne Wooters isn't here and just think about him?

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Hi-ya, Janie. Ab-so-doggone-lutely, but I believe you'll find the banana to be much more satisfying if you eat it right in front of him. :) (WITH eye contact, of course.)

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  10. Hey you sassy thang. You crack me up. Glad you could guest blog here. Will they invite you back? they should!!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks. Well, I'll be back two more times this week, anyway. :)

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  11. Glad to have found this blog through Jerry E Beuterbaugh. Adding it to my blog reading list. I need this type laugh every now and then.

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    Replies
    1. Laughter's like exercise for our insides, and pretty much the only exercise I get... :)

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  12. Oh My Goodness Susan Naughty Susan Banana eating Susan with no eye contact Susan.
    So many hints to laugh at. The toothpaste mints and eating the rancid tuna and pork, sounds like my kind of diet.

    cheers, parsnip

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    Replies
    1. Only a teensy bit naughty. :)

      Thanks for visiting, dear lady. I hope you're having a super week. Cheers back atcha.

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  13. I wish I had known you back in high school! Our sense of humor melds well. I have your book. Loved it! Happy you shared this on FB. Here's my belated yearbook entry ; Stay as sweet and "sassy" as you are! I really enjoyed your blog entry.

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  14. Seriously? We should just hand you the keys to the blog. I never want to post again and follow that. So funny!!!

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    1. Nope, not much "serious" about it. :)

      I'm glad you liked it.

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  15. I've met you and I know you have a glimmer of sass in your eyes!

    I've actually done the vinegar-in-a-baggie thing.

    Eat a banana...??? Now I'm looking at the bunch of bananas that are sitting in the fruit bowl in front of me. Still looking.

    Still looking.

    Maybe hubby will get lucky tonight.

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    Replies
    1. Well, thank you, dear lady. :)

      As for the banana... your hubby can thank me later.

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  16. Hahahahahah!!!
    You'll always be a sassy sister to me!
    x

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  17. Great advice, nicely spiced with lots of chuckles along the way, too. Fun post, Susan! :)

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  18. I do love the gloss on your hair in that photo.
    Thank you for the buttermilk tip, I have only one recipe that uses it and it comes in one pint cartons here in Australia and the recipe only uses about two tablespoons of it.
    I've been doing the clean as you go and the shower cleaning most of my life, I can't stand mess (except around me on the table where I do absolutely everything) and I'm allergic to mould so can't let any get started in the bathroom. Having said that, I deplore the trend for closed in showers across a corner of the bathroom with all the glass and tracks for the doors that get so grubby and are hard to clean. Give me a good old-fashioned "open" shower,with two tiled walls, one glass panel and a shower curtain. MUCH easier to keep clean. I don't think I'd ever do toothpaste as after dinner mints though. I like the real thing, chocolate coated of course.

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    1. Thanks. Ironically, my hair still looks "young." The rest of me, not so much. :)

      I'm glad you actually found something useful here. I've been using the buttermilk substitute for years.

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  19. Susan, the baggie of vinegar over the shower-head is sheer genius. I especially like how the bag explodes the next time I turn on the shower --flying vinegar is a great waker-upper in the morning.

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  20. Slim-Fizz is a distinct appetite suppressant which is containing the ground breaking fibre Glucomannan, which is a natural soluble fibre derived from fresh Konjac.

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